Is fawning the big mental health theme of 2025? It certainly feels like it. I’ve noticed that many of the most talked-about and highly rated mental health books lately have circled around this very topic. Ingrid Clayton’s Fawning is one of them and, in my opinion, it stands because of how clearly it explains the subject.

Instead of brushing fawning off as simple people-pleasing or codependency, Clayton frames it as a legitimate trauma response. She’s careful to show the costs of fawning, like the way it keeps us stuck or disconnected. Yet she also shines a light on the unexpected strengths it can create. According to Clayton, fawning is something that might have kept us safe, even saved our lives, while also sharpening traits that now serve as our “superpowers.”

I picked up this book not long after finishing Are You Mad at Me?, which also explores fawning. Both books are strong in their own ways, but what I appreciated about Fawning is its structure. Clayton breaks the content into subsections that let me focus on one aspect at a time. It’s the kind of organization that helps a complex subject feel approachable and less overwhelming for me. Content-wise, the two books complement each other beautifully. Together, they paint a fuller picture of what fawning really means, why it matters, and how to begin unfawning.

Clayton lowers the bar, removing the shame and judgment that so often surrounds these behaviors. She writes in a way that feels like permission to be real, to connect, and to finally access the tools that can help us. Most importantly, she reminds us that in doing so, we also learn how to access ourselves.

Summary

The Fawn Response: When People-Pleasing Becomes a Survival Strategy

Fawning is a trauma response that shows up when we try to stay safe by becoming more appealing to the person who poses a threat. Instead of confronting conflict, we merge with someone else’s needs, moods, or expectations in hopes of keeping the peace.

It’s an instinctive survival strategy that develops in environments of shame, neglect, abuse, or other harm. For many survivors, connection feels like protection. By syncing with aggressors, we try to minimize danger, even though it means setting aside our own needs.

Fawning is sometimes called “please and appease,” often mistaken for simple people-pleasing or codependency. But it is actually about seeking power in powerless situations.

What makes fawning particularly complex is that it activates both hyperarousal and hypoarousal at once. On one hand, we become hyper-alert, carefully managing the moods of those in control. On the other, we disconnect from ourselves, numbing our own feelings and agency to survive the experience.

Over time, this survival mode can lock the body into a state of constant tension. Trauma that goes unresolved lingers in fragmented ways, making us feel stuck in time and leaving us in a state of emotional dysregulation. Many survivors even mistake their trauma responses for fixed parts of their personality.

The hardest part is the split between what we feel and how we act. Fawning trains us to ignore our inner wisdom and override our gut instincts. We stop recognizing red flags, because our sense of safety feels tied to someone else’s perception, approval, or story. This disconnection can lead to deep shame, risky choices, and behaviors misaligned with our values. And while it often feels impossible to break the cycle, recognizing fawning for what it is as a survival response can be the first step toward healing.

Why the Fawn Response Thrives in Our Culture

Fawning doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It grows in systems, families, and cultural norms that reward compliance while punishing authenticity. Several forces keep this trauma response alive and even disguise it as something positive.

• Patriarchy plays a major role. Traits tied to fawning, like deference, caretaking, and appeasing. They have long been labeled as “feminine” and socially praised. Instead of calling it fawning, society has rebranded it as being “a team player,” “easygoing,” or “nice.” These qualities are often expected, especially from women.
• Cultural norms around respecting elders can also reinforce fawning. While valuing tradition and wisdom can strengthen communities, unquestioned compliance can slip into misuse of power. Children raised to prioritize obedience over self-expression may learn to silence themselves rather than develop trust in their own instincts.
• Family systems are another powerful influence. Humans are wired for connection, and children depend on caregivers longer than almost any other species. But when parents are emotionally unavailable or dysregulated, kids often adapt by suppressing their feelings to remain “acceptable.” Many parents, carrying their own unresolved trauma, unknowingly pass survival strategies onto their children. As a consequences, adults who struggle to regulate emotions, trust their instincts, or even believe their feelings are valid.
• Racism further complicates this picture. For many, fawning has been a survival tool in navigating systemic oppression. But it can also become internalized, leading people to blame themselves for their trauma rather than recognizing the oppressive structures that created it.
• Narcissism and emotional immaturity in caregivers or authority figures also foster fawning. Children of narcissistic or emotionally immature parents often find themselves caretaking their parent’s emotions instead of receiving nurturing themselves. Over time, they learn to feel guilty for their own needs and struggle to trust their inner voice.
• Toxic positivity adds yet another layer. Messages like “just forgive,” “be resilient,” or “rise above it” can seem uplifting, but in practice, they dismiss real pain. For fawners, this narrative reinforces a harmful loop: keep giving, keep enduring, keep ignoring your wounds. True resilience, however, requires space to feel, process, and integrate experiences, not bury them.
• Finally, spiritual bypassing provides a polished cover for avoidance. Using prayer, meditation, or spiritual practices to escape emotions may look virtuous, but often it’s another defense mechanism. Instead of helping us connect more deeply with ourselves, it numbs us, allowing us to sidestep the messy but necessary work of acknowledging and processing our feelings.

Together, these cultural, systemic, and personal factors create fertile ground for fawning to flourish. By recognizing the environments that feed this response, we can begin to see it not as a personal flaw but as a survival strategy shaped by the world around us.

Signs You Might Be Stuck in the Fawn Response

The tricky thing about fawning is that most people don’t realize when they’re doing it. It’s an automatic survival mechanism, not a conscious choice, especially when it stems from childhood trauma. Instead of recognizing danger, our nervous system trained us to seek safety by pleasing, caretaking, or blending in. Over time, these patterns can become so ingrained that they feel like part of our personality. Here are some of the most common signs.

• Self-Minimization

Fawners often downplay their needs, feelings, or even their worth. When we shrink ourselves for years at a time, we stop noticing that we’re living below our full capacity.

• Hypervigilance and Anxiety

Many survivors of trauma develop a heightened awareness of others’ moods, scanning for the slightest sign of conflict. This constant state of alert shows up as sleepless nights, startle responses, or relentless overthinking. Sometimes perfectionism enters the picture, appearing disciplined on the surface but really masking anxiety. The goal isn’t excellence, but safety through achievement and external validation.

• The Shame Spiral

Shame fuels the cycle of fawning. We feel shame about what happened to us, shame about how others respond, and even shame for how we continue to tolerate harmful situations. The result is a painful disconnection from our innate sense of goodness.

• Shapeshifting

Fawners often morph into whoever they need to be in order to maintain connection. By constantly adapting to others’ needs, they close the gap created by unmet needs of their own.

• Conflict Avoidance

When fawning dominates, the ability to notice or engage in conflict fades. We wear blinders, telling ourselves stories that make harmful situations seem tolerable. But avoiding conflict also means avoiding intimacy, healthy attachment, and genuine healing.

• Resentment

Even if conflict is avoided, anger doesn’t disappear. It goes underground. Some fawners eventually become aware of their resentment, whether from carrying the emotional load in relationships or taking on too much at work. Others direct this resentment inward, numbing with substances, disordered eating, or self-harm.

• Caretaking at the Expense of Self

Many fawners were once praised as “old souls,” children who acted mature beyond their years because they were busy caretaking others. This early celebration of selflessness often came at the cost of their own needs and voice.

• The Need to Be Chosen or Liked

At the root of many fawning behaviors is a longing for external validation. The message becomes: there’s less of me, so I need more of you. To protect this fragile bond, fawners often tolerate mistreatment and bury their true feelings. Safety feels tied not to their own sense of self, but to the approval of others.

Recognizing these patterns is powerful. They are not signs of weakness or flaws in character. They are survival strategies that once kept us safe. Naming them is often the first step toward reconnecting with authenticity and breaking the cycle.

How to Begin Healing From the Fawn Response

Breaking free from fawning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s less about forcing change and more about gently reconnecting with yourself: learning to listen, take space, and follow the small signals that guide you back to authenticity. Here are some practices that can help.

Resourcing

It is about discovering tools that help you feel grounded, connected, and present. It might be yoga, journaling, a walk outside, or simply realizing you’re hungry and giving yourself permission to eat. The point is to notice what you need and then honor it. For many fawners, even something as simple as knowing your favorite food or hobby can feel unfamiliar, because so much of life has been shaped by external expectations. Resourcing helps rebuild that inner attunement.

Taking Space

Space can be powerful medicine. Maybe it’s ten quiet minutes in the car before stepping inside, or an entire afternoon carved out just for yourself. Creating distance, especially from people or environments that trigger you, gives your nervous system room to regulate. For fawners, who often struggle to take up space without permission, this act of claiming time and presence is an essential step toward healing.

Noticing the Nudges

Unfawning is less about solving problems and more about paying attention to the subtle sparks that tug at your attention. Instead of focusing only on triggers, begin noticing your “glimmers,” those small moments of curiosity, joy, or resonance. Healing often happens in this quiet exploration, when we allow ourselves to follow nudges without needing to justify or fully understand them. These moments open doors to authenticity, one small step at a time.

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Author: Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Publication date: 9 September 2025
Number of pages: 304 pages

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